Children Are Our Legacy

Parents want the best for their children and are often confused by so many varying approaches to rearing – in particular, limit setting, investment of time and energy, diet and nutrition, sleep and the list goes on.  New parents ask: “Is there a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way to do it all?”  The answer to THAT questions is: “Yes, there is a right and wrong . . .” The issue, however, is not “right” or “wrong” per say – but rather, “How can I determine what is best for MY child, to help facilitate fulfillment of his/her potential/ highest good?”

Learning to Ask the Correct Questions is KEY

It helps to keep in mind what your goals are.  If you have a secret desire to create a caretaker for yourself in your old age, then you might choose parenting techniques that instill fear, shame and guilt. The brutal truth regarding this approach is as follows: Unless your child grows into an adult lucky enough to find a well educated mental health provider, his/her life will be filled with years of frustration, anger and resentment. So, unless you are interested in creating a societal misfit emotionally incapable of investing in a mutual loving relationship with another human, consider dissolving the fear, shame and guilt approach at its source.  The source may be YOU.

Am I able to give the best of myself to my child? Once we become parents, old wounds from childhood are suddenly ripped open.  We often make conscious decisions to never follow the poor examples set, and to only follow the good ones . . . and yet, unless we are really resolved, we are destined to not only repeat the old poor parenting patterns to which we were exposed, but we invent new dysfunctional patterns. Click here for recommendations about how to break old toxic patterns.

How can I avoid robbing my child of an adulthood filled with balance and internal peace?  Consider recognizing that your little bundle of miracles came into this world to experience joy and channel positive energy – as did you.  Your child deserves unconditional love, and the best you have to offer.  If you are able to channel positive energy, peace and comfort, you might be healed enough to be able to give the best of what you have to your child.  However, if you (&/or your parenting partner) struggle with addiction, phobias, fear, shame, guilt, anxiety, or even rage, try to embrace the truth that these don’t define the true spirit. These flag that the person was damaged as a child and deserves to be healed.  You might find this resource helpful: click here.  For additional resources, click here.

Ready to embark upon a healthy parenting adventure

How can I help my toddler become an independent thinking adult?  Once you are healed enough to offer your ‘best parenting self’ to your young, you are ready to set limits and boundaries in a way that facilitates your child’s healthy development. Click here to read guidelines offered by the Parenting Assistance Line.

How can I help my child become a go-getter? If your goal is to inspire your toddler to become a ‘go-getter’ – be aware of the pros and cons.  While you wish to give your child a competitive edge, the risk you run is that you might accidentally create a self-protective person who believes success is a ‘win-at-all-cost’ adventure. If this is not your goal – reconsider your question. While you might strive to help your child embrace life’s journey safely and with wisdom, you might actually create a young adult who has one goal: to ‘be the best/ be top dog’ and one who has a  ‘win at all cost’ attitude. Click here to read more about the possible outcomes to be considered.

What is the best way to set limits?   There are as many opinions on this issue as there are children on the planet.  For a few tips on age-appropriate limit-setting, click here to read a few easy-to-navigate blogs. Appropriate limit setting helps children feel secure, safe, confident and loved. Using fear, shame or guilt are not ever  appropriate. These tactics are distractions to healthy development, create frustration and anger, and may even arrest your child’s development. This creates a ‘wounded toddler’ – setting the stage for unhealthy life choices, poor interpersonal skills and a lifetime of misery.  We are all ‘wounded toddlers’ to a degree. In order to avoid perpetuating this pattern of poor parenting, click here for a few insights.

To read more about ‘wounded toddlers’ and the life poor parenting (using fear/shame/ guilt) may set children up for, click here.    It is essential to set healthy boundaries and appropriate limits. To understand why, click here.

What about diet and nutrition for my toddler? Dr. Mark Hyman has a few wonderful, very easy-to-read and even easier to implement recommendations. Click here for useful hints and tips.

Life is filled with obstacles, mazes, challenges and lessons which, once mastered, are followed by a continuing adventure filled with even more paths that help us fulfill our potential. I wish you a journey filled with blessings, and the ability to embrace all with gratitude and good humor.  wishing you balance, wellness and positive energy,

~Dr. Nancy Iankowitz

Functional Medicine Embraces Prevention and Healing

 

The essence of Dr. Iankowitz’ approach to wellness is:

Logic, Prevention, Common Sense & Healing

Dr. Iankowitz sees the human body as a complex set of organ systems that are designed to self heal.  In the video below Dr. Iankowitz shares her views and approach to wellness.

 

1. We each have an innate ability to heal ourselves and others. Dr. Iankowitz offers a functional medical assessment, is respectful of your views, and works within whatever system and/or cultural background you feel will facilitate your healing.

2. People have unique relationships with whatever disease process they experience. When you request facilitated healing, it is important to determine how you perceive your  ‘illness’ or ‘condition.’  Once this is established,  your healing journey – guided by Dr. Iankowitz, begins.

3. If one has a secretly vested interest in holding on to a condition, this suggests the illness may be viewed by the patient as a friend. The response of the health practitioner must take the patient’s reality into account. Referrals are made to licensed, certified professionals including mental health, physical therapy, massage therapy, holistic optometry, herbal practitioners and more, upon patient request.

4. Patient perception governs the ‘success’ or ‘failure’ of treatment. Dr. Iankowitz embraces and appreciates that success is defined by your comfort with your health status. Your physical and emotional ease, freedom and joy are key factors in determining your personal ‘success’ in facilitated healing.

Each individual embodies a multi-cultural reality, and each encounter is unique and valid. While the conventional medical model works within the central portion of the bell shaped curve (suggesting that ‘the norm’ should apply to ‘all’), the functional medical model permits a ‘patient-centered’ approach (recognizing that each individual is unique). Dr. Iankowitz embraces an eclectic view, in accordance with values supported by the Nurse Practitioner model blended with the evidence-based practice of functional medicine.

 

“Home” For The Holidays (Part 2): Communication, Reading Signals & Avoiding Traps

Healthy Communication: “Take a Hint” (What Can One Safely Assume?)

  • When one is forced to use the imagination to fill in gaps after honest effort to seek clarification, is it safe to assume the confusion was somehow intentional?
  • When questions are appreciated, is it safe to assume clarification is sought in an effort to deepen a relationship?
  • When questions are regarded as ammunition and attacks, is it safe to assume those who regard them as such are frightened, lack trust, and/or wish to avoid closeness? Can one assume another prefers to avoid responsibility related to the situation at hand?

When a question is put forth, each person has decisions to make based upon the relationship. Without a shared history between two people, there exists no personal experience to draw upon. Even if ‘reputation’ precedes one or both, motives rise quickly to the surface by the ways in which clarification is handled.

Essentially, people who are able to be trusted find it easy to trust others; people who don’t trust others are defensive, often deliberately mislead others and basically hide from themselves by pointing fingers at those around them.

Trust vs. Mistrust: The Trap

When the predisposition (trust vs. mistrust) of each person is evenly matched, communication is usually mutually satisfactory. Two people who are able to trust and be trusted often discover they can build a potentially strong, fulfilling relationship. Two who are equally suspicious are often relieved that the other is well guarded, as this releases each of the responsibility to watch out for/ be sensitive to the feelings of the other.

Difficulties arise when the two people make opposite assumptions; that is, when a trusting person invests heartfelt energy into a discussion with one who (unbeknownst to the trusting person) does not trust or when a well-guarded person begins a conversation, expecting no responsibility, only to be hit with a clarification-seeking, over sharing disaster. On both sides, boundaries are not mutually respected. One feels slighted; the other feels invaded. Neither feels safe.

Trust vs. mistrust becomes the focus. This communication issue is magnified during the holiday season when friends and family members define their relationships in accordance with rules dictated by social obligation. ‘Social obligation’ breeds misery for all involved.

Sincerity vs. Social Obligation

When two people sincerely wish to spend time together, their mutual desire is demonstrated by reaching out, prompt responses, promises kept, and seeking as well as offering clarification to underscore heartfelt interest. Problems arise when either or both believe they ‘should’ meet, based upon social obligation. When people actually want to spend time with each other, the question of trust vs. guarded does not have to surface. Mutual heartfelt desire trumps all.

Success vs. Set Up To Fail

Every family and group of friends has at least one person who

  • May or may not show up at the last minute
  • Offers vague answers, even when specifically asked clear questions
  • Can’t be pinned down for a commitment and, if one is actually made, may or may not be kept
  • Always seems to have an excuse
  • Often states that those who seek clarification are ‘nagging’ or ‘insatiable’
  • Expresses s/he feels burdened by attempts on the part of others to secure a date, time or place to meet
  • Forces others to make assumptions – a dangerous practice for all involved

This individual earns the reputation of ‘untrustworthy’ especially when s/he reserves the right to fault others for any assumptions made. These slippery people offer answers that include, “I’ll make every effort to attend” then, when later asked directly what the plan is, negatively label those who seek a clear answer as they easily pin the ‘lack of meeting’ on anyone else involved.

Be Honest – Avoid ‘Traps’ Especially During the Holiday Season

  • When we extend honest, heartfelt invitations to people with whom we share a mutual feeling of safety – mind, body and spirit, acceptance of that invitation channels positive energy, excitement and joy filled hearts.
  • When we extend ‘social obligation’ invitations to people, they often feel it. Nobody looks forward to the gathering and all attempt to set boundaries to preserve personal safety.
  • When invited by people we really do not feel safe with, as stated above, they generally don’t feel safe with us, either. Our acceptance must include healthy boundary setting in a positive way. Tips: Limit time shared and communicate in advance regarding topics we prefer to not address (i.e. avoiding discussions that flame heat including but not limited to those surrounding sex, religion and politics)

Read the Signals

When inviting guests, watch for these responses so that you can minimize discomfort for all involved:

  • “I’ll have to see. I’ll let you know.” This suggests your invitation is either not a priority or the person has little or no intention of accepting, but can’t find the way to say “No” because of a feeling of social obligation.Your response: If you have thick skin and are very generous of spirit, you may leave the ball in the guest’s court, permitting him/her to later claim “Oh I forgot” or “I tried to reach you but . . .” This guest does not feel safe, for whatever reason, in your presence, so why add pressure? (If the relationship is valuable to you, wait until after the holiday season to pursue, in a neutral location, to see if you can reestablish mutual trust. If not, let it go and move on accepting you are each on separate paths along equally sacred journeys).
  • “My spouse/partner etc. . . . has another obligation. I wish we could accept your invitation but we can’t.” (This response may go either way. It is either a total fabrication – permitting the guest an ‘easy out’ or it is a truthful statement. If it is a fabrication, the guest either fears hurting your feelings, does not trust you enough to tell the truth and/or does not feel safe with you, but feels a degree of social obligation. If it is, in fact, true, then the person will follow-up by reaching out after the holiday to see how the event went. S/he might offer a heartfelt apology and engage in an honest exploration and sharing of thoughts and feelings regarding the holiday, and other items of mutual interest. (Lack of a follow-up call after declining an invitation usually indicates the person is uncomfortable with and/or has no interest in you).

Bottom Line To The Host and Hostess

Knowing how you feel, deeply and honestly, about each guest on your list is an important beginning to a healthy and happy holiday experience. If you have ‘social obligation’ invitations to extend, recognize that those people likely also feel ‘socially obligated’ to accept. Permit them the space, time and distance they require to accept or reject and, if you don’t really want to pursue a deeper relationship with them, just accept their answers, boundaries and excuses without further question.

Bottom Line To the Receiver of Invitations

Knowing how you honestly feel about the host, hostess and/or others on the guest list enhances your positive holiday experience. Accepting invitations to be with those we love is easy. Invitations from people we don’t really know or care about, realizing they feel the same way about us is also met with gracious ease, most of the time.

Difficulties may arise when social obligation further blurs a relationship that is already out of balance – especially when neither person (or only one person) is aware.

If, however, you receive an invitation and believe it is heartfelt, but you prefer not to put time, effort or energy into accepting, and you are not a slave to social obligation, then you might find it natural to decline respectfully offering a sincere plan to get together at a later date (if you so desire). Be prepared to share your reasons for declining the invitation (if you wish to have a deeper than ‘just acquaintance’ relationship).

Thanks for reading this post. I’d love to know if you relate to this and how you assess these points. Are they accurate for you? All comments are welcome. I wish you a healthy, happy, successful holiday season and a wonderful holiday season filled with blessings, healing, rekindling and reawakening.

Nurse Practitioners Are Educated to Facilitate YOUR Healing Journey

Resume Updated April 2017 FOR WEBSITE 2017  If you want to accomplish any or all of these:

  • Lose Weight
  • Stop Snoring
  • Reduce Pain in Your Joints
  • Increase Your Energy
  • Understand Your Own Body Language/ Internal Communication
  • Interpret & Respect Signs as Signals (they facilitate your healing journey)
  • Learn To Address The ‘True Cause’ (rather than just the symptoms)

. . . begin by calling (917) 716-6802 for a free 10-minute consultation to learn about how Dr. Iankowitz can help you.

“A nurse practitioner is a nurse that is able to provide treatment and prescriptions without the supervision of a physician. The role began in Colorado because of the lack of doctors in rural areas. Nurse practitioners filled that need then, and continue to do so now.”

Click here to read more about the positive impact of nurse practitioners on health care.

Dr. Iankowitz is a family nurse practitioner with over 30 years experience providing care to patients. (Click here for CV).

Her goal is to take her role as nurse practitioner to the next level; that is, she builds a team approach that includes a primary care provider at the helm, and a group of licensed, certified professionals who are expert in their field to help patients along their wellness journey.

Here’s the shift:  Dr. Iankowitz will work with YOUR established primary health provider and/or help you build your team of professionals, upon your request. Call for a free 10-minute consultation to see what Dr. Iankowitz can do for you.  (917) 716-6802