How To Earn and Build Trust with Loved Ones


You mean well. Your intentions are sincere, and yet they may undercut trust or pave the way to a ‘salt-on-wound’ experience for you as well as for the unprepared recipient.

Always honor questions as effort on the part of the other person to seek clarification.  When the assumption is that the other person is deliberately trying to trick, trap, distract or otherwise ‘set you up’, trust is missing. Missing trust suggests one or both of these:  (1) either YOU can’t be trusted (thus, you trust nobody ever) and/or (2) the other person can’t or shouldn’t be trusted.

Understanding comes from minds meeting.  In order to be on the same page with another person, thoughts need to be shared. Trust comes from a feeling of safety – but sometimes people settle for ‘predictability’ . . . even if what is ‘predicted’ is uncomfortable.  (This suggests a ‘don’t-rock-the-boat’ relationship which leans towards ‘handling’ and ‘tolerating’ rather than sharing trust.  Read more by clicking here).

Another ‘trust-busting’ point to keep in mind:  ‘just’, ‘simple’ and ‘simply’   are three words which, if carelessly placed, may devastate a listener or poison a budding friendship by undercutting trust.

Sounds ridiculous?  Read on . . .

Depending on your timing as well as the status of your relationship, emotional development of the individual to whom your ideas are addressed, and/or the situation, these are the first of a long list of words which, if used carelessly, tend to ‘make less of’ the efforts of another OR, possibly may indicate that the other ‘should’ have understood/ made connections/ followed your line of thought etc.  This attitude can poison a well or devastate a raw or sensitive listener – especially if that person is currently going through a traumatic healing experience (and more people than you might imagine are. Read more here).

If you belittle the prospective friend when that person seeks clarification, what does this really say about YOU?  The one who belittles another often uses words, vibration, glances, posture, actions etc. to establish power ‘over’ the other in the relationship.  This ego-driven individual is not ready for a trusting relationship.

How does this behavior impact the prospective friendship? Abuse of boundaries and words undercuts trust. The relationship may dissolve or continue to be built on a foundation of distrust – which includes defensive, thick boundaries and heavily guarded walls of self-protection.

Have you ever said or heard the following: “But I’m just trying to ‘help’ you gain perspective. I try to comfort you by saying, ‘Just move on’  . . .”   OR  “I try to make you the best you can be so I . . . ”


After several years of having earned trust we cut more slack, take chances, make allowances for, and often overlook poor choices made by loved ones. When building a new relationship, we have no shared history to lean on. Trust must be earned. A feeling of safety develops over time.

There are indeed people who seem so well adjusted that poor word choices, errors we make and even traumatic life events didn’t / don’t seem to shake them. The ‘unshakable’ person might be truly centered (a state of balance worth striving for) OR might be so uncaring and well defended/ self-protective that nothing actually penetrates. Click here to read about signs/signals of emotional unavailability. The vibration reveals the reality. Click here to read about how to manifest a healthy relationship.  Trust your inner wisdom. Click here to read about how to earn your own trust through self-care and sharpening of time management skills.

When life deals a difficult blow, the centered individual usually has a sense of self-esteem and well developed sense of purpose, trusted support systems in place, is able to intuitively tap into internal wisdom for guidance, and seems to know just how to ‘float’ until the waters are either safer to swim OR the individual beaches on a safe shore.

For this healthy and centered individual, another person might not need to be so careful about words, tone, body posture or any other forms of communication during a casual acquaintanceship; however, if interested in earning that individual’s trust, building and/or mending a relationship, rules do change a bit.  To build a healthy relationship, there are key rules to follow: safe boundaries need to be drawn and respected, and clarification needs to be offered and sought – freely, without judgment.

Developing adolescents, (or adults ‘arrested’ in the adolescent stage of development – details click here), need to be treated with utmost care so as not to trample on the delicate development of self. To the young child, teen or developing adolescent, (or to an individual stuck at that stage of development) the wise intervention would not ever include statements such as: “You will just have to get over it”   OR   “Simply get through it the best way you can.”

There is no “JUST” and nothing is “SIMPLE” for the developing adolescent.

Before the personality is solidly formed (may be as early as 18 or as late as 25, when the brain slows down its mapping)  the only approach would be to help the individual get THROUGH the devastating life altering blow by offering coping tools that guide and enlighten through perspective.

Keep in mind that trust, support and unconditional love are necessary in order to facilitate a healthy and healing journey.

When an otherwise centered, mature, well adjusted person feels mistreated on any level – verbally or through the intangible vibration, this link might offer hints and tips to cope:

Paying attention with an open mind, open eyes, listening ears and closed mouth is a skill worth mastering.  Right up there at the top of the list of how to build a safe and trusting relationship: avoid ‘multi-tasking’ when engaged in conversations with those with whom you want to nourish, feed and share love. Click here for additional thoughts on this topic.

Here’s to your healing adventure!  ~Dr. Iankowitz

The Mind Is More Powerful Than Most People Realize

Contact:  (917) 716-6802

Even conventional medical practitioners recognize the strength of the intangible ‘mind’.  Just look at the placebo effect.  What was once believed to be ‘coincidence’ is now understood to be a useful tool . . . and the term ‘imagination’ is gaining new respect.

Once technology catches up with intuitive knowing, we will have means by which to satisfy all wellness professionals with  overflowing confirmation using  ‘evidence-based data’ to support what many, but not all, know to be truth.  At this point we have kirlian photography  and recognition of energy fields, Reiki,  and a wide range of holistic healing approaches that western medicine is beginning to embrace. Until we do have ‘hard evidence’ measured by scientific rules defined by our society, there is nothing to stop anyone from tapping into personal, internal power.  Begin here:

Creative visualization and imagery in health

For additional techniques, hints and tips, Holistic and Integrative Healing LLC is available. Dr. Iankowitz can facilitate your healing process by supporting and guiding you throughout your healing journey. She can work with or help you create a team of professionals, at your request.  Dr. Iankowitz can be reached (917) 716-6802 for consultation, by appointment only, so call in advance.

Healing Does Not Mean Erasing or Replacing

When the Universe breaks a promise, we grieve. Philosophers and psychologists have been all over this concept for hundreds of years and, yet, there is no single prescription to cure heartbreak. Further, there is NO truth to the phrase:  “Time heals all wounds.”   This is simply a LIE.

Time is indeed important, but what does it do, really? It permits distance from our trauma and an opportunity to discover coping skills to manage life going forward.  But wait – “distance”?  What is distance really?  How is it measured?  Love is not linear.  Loss is not written in a predictable, mathematical formula.  Click here to read about how one woman decided to deal with her own trauma – and how she documented her process.

If you accept that true love is the experience of safety, trust, and a glimpse of heaven . . . and that in your pure love you taste the essence of purpose and even a bit of the Divine, then you would logically conclude that a life without having this experience might, for you, have been a life not worth living. So, if that taste or glimpse was enlightening, but the partner who stimulated it is taken prematurely, in order to recapture that exquisite feeling, you would need to invest in people who might permit you to channel that positive energy again.

This honors the relationship that taught you how to love so deeply – although there will certainly be people around to try to distract you from continuing on with life.  Those people might prefer you simply ‘exist’ in the shadow of the memory – but this might be a distraction from what you were intended to do.  If you have a heart capable of loving again – LISTEN to it . . . SEEK OUT JOY and  embrace life to the fullest. You may begin by defining your goals – and this goes for any life event that is traumatic.

You may begin by asking yourself, “Do I want to get around, over,  through – or a combination of two or all of these regarding this experience?”

  • “What would ‘getting around it’ look like to me?”
  • “What would ‘getting through it’ look like to me?”
  • “What would ‘getting over it’ look like to me?”

I have come to understand that, when one defines a goal as ‘getting around’ a painful experience, the behavior chosen is usually to distract from or numb feeling.  This choice sacrifices joy along with pain.  When ‘getting through’ is the goal, the person looks inward, analyzes feelings, embraces the pain, seeks therapy and/or mentors to help guide, and has a greater chance of rediscovering joy.  Sometimes we begin by getting around, and then discover we need to ‘get through’ but time was necessary to permit us to muster the strength to do so.

The phrase ‘getting over’ is often misleading.  Sometimes it is experienced as abrasive, uncaring and demeaning. I would not recommend anyone use this phrase to oneself or another person as it is a distraction from healing.

Returning to the suggestion that when one feels emotionally ready, one should permit one’s heart to seek out JOY, am I suggesting you go out hunting for STDs or embark upon a path that exposes you to mind-altering substances?  No.  Not at all.  These are examples of numbing activities.  What I am suggesting is activities that enhance, rather than block ‘feeling’ . . . but, let’s take a look at that.  Why on earth would anyone who is ‘feeling too much’ take up a hobby to ‘intensify feeling’?

Excellent question.  The healing process is not one that helps us block feeling; but rather, it helps us embrace and focus on the POSITIVE feelings  that are overshadowed by the sad, uncomfortable, energy draining ones that threaten to throw the mind/body/spirit off balance.  Where does one begin?

Time.  Back to that word again?  Yes. Time is necessary – and in different lengths for different people.  Time permits grieving, and each person has a unique rhythm. Click here f’or additional information.

Healing. What does “heal” mean?  This is also defined by each individual.  Is the goal to erase all memory’?  Not the good ones – that’s for certain. But if one believes that feeling pain keeps a connection with the person now gone, re-framing to embrace JOY as the connection through positive memories is a response that permits the mind/body/spirit balance to reestablish itself. Easier said than done.

Coping. What’s the first step? Some people fill their schedules to avoid time alone and, for them, it might be helpful, initially. Others seek inner peace through meditation, exercise or other introspective activities. These people may take up yoga and find mentors to facilitate self-reflection.  If any coping mechanism is taken to distraction, a person may risk losing him or her self in the activity. If you, or a person you love is experiencing this type of ‘loss of self’ while grieving the loss of a loved one, here is a resource you might tap into to help yourself and/or assist that person:  click here.

What can we expect while healing through our grief process?  Tapes replay.  Pain is relived – yes, even DECADES later.  Old wounds may surface.  The self distraction of, “I wish we had,” and “I wish I said/ did/etc” creep into your mind to distract from present day joy. Does this mean you are not healing?  No. It does not necessarily mean that; however, if you lose more than a night or two of sleep, or experience anxiety to the point where judgment is impaired, seek help. Click here for support: 

Permission to live on. What if someone gave you permission to go on living and loving? In your own time, you might be able to do just that.  But what if one or more people around you don’t accept once you arrive at your “ready” point? What if one or more people in your family or close circle of friends can’t accept your decision to embrace the life you have left to live on earth? What if someone you love and trust becomes one who brings you down?  If you are ready to move on and embrace joy, but outside forces attempt to block you, the time might have come to learn how to set healthy boundaries.  Wondering how?  Click here for some guidance.

Each life is sacred. Every path is a personal journey. I wish you balance and healing along your very unique adventure.

Additional resources:

Your personal “joy” is just a few clicks away . . .

Perhaps you don’t get enough sleep. Or, maybe you ate too many pieces of cake last night. You are possibly becoming aware that you are falling into the patterns you promised yourself to avoid; for example, making the same errors your mother or father made – the ones you promised yourself you would NOT copy.

You know that it is your responsibility  to recreate your own balanced life based on healthy choices going forward – but you’re not quite sure exactly how to go about doing it.  What’s the first step?

If you are interested in learning how to 

  • own your own life
  • keep the beautiful lessons that fill your spirit
  • embrace the truth and let go of the lies
  • turn your back on what distracts you from joy
  • free yourself of other people’s baggage
  • live in truth and get to know your next best friend: GRATITUDE

Click here to discover a few hints and tips to help you get started.

Finding Your Center Is Proven to Improve Your Total Health and Wellbeing

Making decisions can be stressful and extraordinarily complex.  Children learn to choose between flavors of ice cream, adolescents choose between which outfits to wear and friends to trust . . . and young adults begin their journey towards independence by choosing paths that reflect varying levels of responsibility regarding profession and testing of some of life’s unforgiving limits. Decision making begins the moment we are born, and becomes more conscious and informed as we grow.  During a recent interview, Dr. Iankowitz shared how her decision making was impacted by her early years – including the role of her parents, how she processed her understanding of examples set, and how she is moving forward. Your comments are welcome:

To review evidence-based statements encouraging relaxation for overall health, click here. 

There are mounds of data demonstrating that, on the cellular level, we NEED to relax.  It feels good for the mind, it nourishes the body and heals the spirit.  Tap into Dr. Hyman as an online resource, and feel free to explore Holistic and Integrative Healing LLC via Facebook for additional strategies.